The blog

Sometimes, I just don’t want to do anything. I would like to curl up and sleep my day away for no good reason at all. Especially after fighting with the computer for hours filling out forms for college. And, honestly, I’m starting to feel a little nervous about the whole thing.

I know everyone gets nerves about such a tough thing as going to another state for college, especially in a big city when the biggest thing they’ve ever faced is Omaha. But It’s the money thing that scares me, not just leaving my family. There’ll be new responsibilities like making payments on time, making sure the money is there, getting a new job, and finding out what I should do with some personal obligations that I may not be able to afford anymore. With all that, and coordinating a lot of other stuff on my mind, it’s hard to keep things in perspective.

And yet, I know that everything I am seeing right now will play out a lot slower than I think. I will have time to make decisions, work for money, ETC and, also, I will have the rest of my life afterward. It’s hard to remember that your life doesn’t end at a big event, but that the big event, whatever it is, leads to more, that is greater. And it’s also hard to remember that you’re looking at something that is the barest knowledge of what you’ll have (worst-case-scenario sort of thing). After all, one never knows what new opportunities are afforded later on.

So, in the end, I decided it wasn’t worth worrying about. No matter what, the sun will still rise, I’ll still have fresh air in my lungs, and I’ll have a big world full of possibilities waiting to happen. So, even though I’m nervous, I’m excited; elated; exhilerated because of the ‘new’ and ‘exciting’ that is waiting for me just around the next bend.

Have a good week!

Well, I managed to make it back onto the website without a virus eating my cyber self, which is very good.

So some good news, my nose is peeling. Ok, yeah, that’s actually gross news and not really good, but at least it’s means I got my good ‘ol vitamin D Better news, I wanted to finish the story that I started in creative writing last semester before summer is over and I leave, and I actually might be able to do it! I’m excited; it would be great to have a whole story together before I take off to Wheaton.

Honestly though, without school and work, together draining every microorganism in my body of every bit of creative energy it has, I have been thinking a lot more when I get bored at work (often). One of the weirdest things that come to my mind is how we view ourselves.

Sometimes you think about it, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you live in a fantasy world, and sometimes you’re crushed by utter reality. Occasionally you’re strong, and a lot you’re crippled, and all these go into how we view ourselves.

Now I am willing to put myself in a rather awkward place here because the things I am going to tell you about my own findings are… well… at times, silly, vain, or, who-da-thunk-it, downright weird. But I’m a writer and these are the kind of things I think about, so bear with me.

See, a grocery store is a very great place for inspiration, with its motley assortment of people to pick from. Some of these things are how I would view myself, and some are how I imagine other people. Take this one guy, we will call him A. So, A is a, straight-up, jack-A and a pervert. Since he started about two months ago, two chick co-workers have already screwed around with him, one of them cheating on a boyfriend who happens to be an underling of A. Well, of course there are tons of stories about this guy floating around the workplace, none of them good. Well, he happens to work in produce and he, very kindly, cut me a slice of cantaloupe to eat one day while I was taking back the trash. Wait a sec and I’ll get to the point. So, this guy is always nice to me. Never says nasty stuff, never acts like a jerk and is actually a decent sort of guy… toward me. Me, on the good side of a bad person, walking the edge, always wondering if I will slip into his bad graces and see the side that I have only ever wondered about.

Another view I have of myself is a funny one from an outsider’s standpoint. There is an old man, very lonely, who will wait outside for me after my shift. Creepy, yes just a little, but, as long as I have an escort (manager mandated) to my car, he’s harmless. Well, as I come out of the doors he will say good night and maybe make a quick conversation before I am whisked away by my ‘bodyguard’. In a story book, I would be the grand princess, glancing back over her shoulder at the young man from humble surroundings, whom she is barred from seeing because of her status, but she desperately loves. Oh, and please do not misunderstand; this is an inside view of myself, not the old gentlemen who waits for me.

Another, and one of my favorite ideas was what I think of as the ’subversive meeting’. It was simple. I was checking, and a certain co-worker was walking by my check stand. I had just helped out a man in his forties who was bagging up his groceries at the end of the lane. As the co-worker walked by I saw the man talk from where he was bent over, glancing up at him a bit. My co-worker did not reply, did not look at him, but smiled the tiniest bit and, seemed to, nod. Only a little. Well, of course they were spies. The one was relaying a message to the other!

Now, I do have a point in all of this, and it comes down to what makes me a writer first and foremost. I could still, you see, have no technique and amazing stories if that’s what I was meant to be. These hapless delusions, ideas, and grand imagery have a purpose in my life. Now, what I do is write others, but I don’t know if others actually think that way. I hope some of you do, but my point is this; beyond the world we know, even in a dull grocery store full of checkers, clerks, managers, underlings, customers, aisles, departments, and (of course) groceries, is another, quite different. It is full of dazzling ideas; slaves yearning for freedom; soldiers fighting wars and helping those they protect; the occasional overlords who squeeze every ounce of strength from those around them; those who fight the overlords with burning spirit and pride; we have the wealthy upper class, oblivious to the goings-on around them; there are isles in which our night pirates dock to drink their whisky and smoke in utter disregard for ‘ordinary society’; places like Antarctica, the kitchen where the king’s food is made, and the wild jungle where the fruit grows; and, of course, we have groceries, which need absolutely no changing ^^

But… through this all, I know my grocery store is just a grocery store, an ordinary, even mediocre, one at that. And I know I am just an employee, scraping away for what living I can earn working there. However, maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m not. Maybe that beautiful world I can imagine, the cities, the buildings, the characters, the fantastic stories that could be weaved from this abundant thread I can find, is what my workplace really is and it’s just as real, when I get it on paper, as the original (and duller) one. And, maybe, I’m not just a worker trying to scratch out a living, but a Writer, bold and strong, seeing the world as more than it actually is by merely realizing the full potential of everyday. Maybe. One can never tell. Or maybe, the whole point of writing this is to say how I came about finding the truest view of myself that I could. I have discovered it; I am a Writer. 

Well all, that’s everything I have for you for now. I’ll hopefully be back with you soon and thanks for reading.

Have a good week!

Sarah

 P.S. I did an image search for the word ‘glorious’ on Google, and there were a lot of interesting pictures… but these were my faves ;P As always, be careful going to other sights; I can’t control their content.

http://larvalsubjects.wordpress.com/2009/01/20/towards-a-flat-ontology/

http://www.rosesuk.com/rose_locator/roses/hybrid_tea_spiral_bud_form/402_glorious.php

http://www.journeysphotography.com/